Christmas Special: The Underwear Monster
by Astarael's Get
Summary: Merry Christmas from Akatsuki! Or at least that's what they think. What's in that sack that Kakuzu's dragging through the AC? This is gonna be interesting. Warning: panties, panties, and more panties ahead. And, hey, look! Some more panties.


**M'kay, well... I know I said Christmas Eve but... what are you gonna do? My brother's here for three days from London (five hours away) and he's just as irritating as my other siblings when I need to do stuff. So it's his fault this story is a day late. ****That's my story and I'm sticking to it.**

**But anywho, Merry Non-Denominational Midwinter Festival/Christmas/Yule/Any Other Festival You Might Be Celebrating. Here is part two of the Akatsuki Christmas Special, my present to you. Part one is by Lady Lilliana. Go to her profile to find it.**

**Disclaimer: I am poor. Don't sue me for use of characters which are not mine. Please also do not sue me for use of characters which _are_ mine. I'll end up in jail and then I won't be able to poke my brothers and sister in the side for being silly silly people. ****Also I won't be able to write anymore mad stories with Lilly and so she will be sad. And angry. And when she is angry she sets the Bunny of Death on people. It isn't a pretty sight.**

**So, enjoy your festival and enjoy the story.**

* * *

It should be noted that while Akatsuki celebrate Christmas, their taste in presents is sadly lacking. For example, Zetsu gave each of his fellow members a pair of mismatched eyeballs in a jar. Deidara enjoyed the festivities while blowing up every single present he handed out (except Leader's of course). Tobi gave everyone small animals made of waffles. Tei handed out pocket-sized bottles of brandy, then proceeded to steal the majority back within the hour along with several wallets.

It seems, however, that some members had it right- Rei, in her infinite stylishness, designed and distributed a brand new outfit for each of them. Konan baked twelve small cakes and one large one (for Leader, because Leader must always have better).

Hidan, well, Hidan accepted his gifts most grudgingly and stored them away in a cupboard in his room. It was against his religion to enjoy the festivities, though he did join in the incredibly large game of Konoha Monopoly that Tei's grandfather sent them. But he was, of course, not enjoying himself. Obviously.

So it seems that Christmas becomes another day of non-evil in the list of non-evil days that Leader has pinned to the back of his bedroom door. But he does not look at it and cry at night because he couldn't have a completely evil criminal organisation. No, he doesn't. why are you looking at me like that? You did not hear him crying. It was your imagination.

Ahem- back to the present. Kakuzu had yet to grasp the concept of spending money on people other than himself, and so decided to give the only thing he could without paying.

In money anyway.

* * *

"What are you doing, Kakuzu?" Rei watched him from the corner of her eye. She had been forcing Deidara to change into his brand new baby blue shirt and trousers, which she had coincidentally made almost identical to the outfit she had made for Tei. It had taken Anno, Sasori, Hidan _and_ Kisame to convince her that Tei was the one who needed a skirt, _not_ Deidara.

Kakuzu was, in fact, dragging a large sack through the lounge door. It was about the same size as Zetsu, therefore larger than anyone else in the room, including Zetsu who was half buried in a wall with his trap shut, talking to himself. Again.

Kakuzu dumped the bulging sack in front of Tei, who was letting Konan teach Tobi how to braid her hair because she was too drunk to care. she blinked at it. Surprisingly, this did not allow her x-ray vision to see inside the bag.

"What's in it, Kuzurin?"

Kakuzu twitched at the nickname. It was easy to tell when Akatsuki were very drunk. They all started calling each other by strange nicknames.

He recovered quickly. "I think you'll find it's a selection of unmentionables that were, for some unknown reason, in-"

"The locked chest hidden in the secret compartment under your bed in the concrete floor of your bedroom," Kisame and Rimu finished for him- in unison.

"…Shut up."

Tei began to dig into the pile and, with the help of Konan, started sorting the underwear into piles. "This is Rei's, this is Rei's, this is Konan's, this is mine, Konan's, Rei's, Konan's, mine, mine, _Anno's_? Mine, mine, Konan's, Rei's…"

Every time she found a piece of her own underwear, she threw it over her shoulder into the corner of the room. Kakuzu went slowly redder as the pile of Rei's sexy panties and lacy bras piled up. Itachi and Kisame had conveniently blocked off the only exit from the underground lounge by leaning against the closed door, whistling nonchalantly. There was no escape for Kakuzu.

Even Leader was watching covertly over the top of his brand new _Pokemon Annual 2008_.

No, there was definitely no escape for Kakuzu.

Finally the sack was empty, and Kakuzu fled. Rei casually began to inspect and fold each of her returned undergarments. Konan scooped hers into her arms and departed to deposit them back in her room- and replace the six locks and eight bolts on the inside of her clothing fort's door. Anno had fainted after the third and final of his boxers had appeared in the pile.

Sasori and Deidara took pity on him and threw him into his bedroom along with the offending underwear.

Now, you may think this wraps it up. No. No it doesn't. For the pile belonging to Tei had started moving.

The members of Akatsuki still in the lounge all stepped back. Tei prepared to draw a card. Kisame gripped the handle of his sword. Zetsu retreated, once more, into the wall.

Then, they had a glimpse of orange from around the head area of the monster.

"…Tobi, what are you doing?"

"Tobi is an Underwear Monster!"

* * *

**A compiled list of the nicknames, for your reading amusement:**

**Hidan- Danny-Dan**

**Kakuzu- Kuzurin**

**Zetsu- Wall**

**Deidara- Ra-choo**

**Sasori- Poporin**

**Konan- Delia**

**Itachi- Wes**

**Kisame- Sushi Roll**

**Tobi- Gerbil**

**Telaki- Laki-muffin**

**Reikisha- Mighty Seamstress**

**Anno- Cassandra**

**Rimu- Hilary**

**Leader- Death**

**Some of them are pretty obvious. Others are not. Use your imagination for the story behind each of them. Then post it. In a review. Pretty please? Best theory gets a cookie the size of Jupiter.**


End file.
